April 20, 2023
This is different from my other posts. I thought I’d do a journal entry to discuss my experience of this pregnancy. This post is simply about my personal, honest feelings.
I felt like typing on my laptop and it turned out I had something to say…
Pregnancy has been fun. I’ve learned a lot about my body, my hormones, my bad habits, and my thought patterns. It’s had its moments, but I can’t complain. I’ve kept healthy and active; my body has processed the baby-making effortlessly– perhaps it’s my forgiving youth. I’m writing this at 39 weeks. The journey is almost over, yet the experience rages on.
I guess it’s like running a marathon, there is fatigue, aches, and mental exhaustion, but there’s a sweet spot minutes before the finish line– a decadent spot where your mood elevates and all the screaming niggles and exhaustion melt into a smooth, warm caramel sauce….
For me anyway, I know many can’t agree…
I’m Bathing in the Caramel Sauce
Three weeks ago, reality smacked me in the side of the face– and I’m not referring to the negative connotations of having anxieties and endless discomfort. In these final weeks, I felt elated and euphoric; I’m keen to fit back into jeans and shorts; I’m excited to meet the evidence of my partner’s and I‘s love; I’m dying to run; and even to just get out of bed in the morning without my bladder trying to push apart my pelvic bone because there’s no spare room around my baby’s big head! Throughout the nine months I had completely forgotten the sensations of pregnancy wouldn’t last forever; that the baby would eventual be expelled and my weight and hormones would return to normal.
A few days prior to writing this post, my energy levels dramatically plummeted; I felt depleted and exhausted and weak, after being on a high for two weeks. I reckon baby was going through a final growth spurt– she was wriggling and squirming around all day for those four days, which had been typical over the pregnancy. I’ve just regained my energy and passions….for now, anyway. I’m milking it for what I can. It just may be the last time I feel energised and well-slept!
The Baking of the Bun Before the Caramel Drizzle
This is what it’s been like growing baby…
Excessive fatigue, losing all ambitions and passions. Dizziness and uncoordinated hands. Clumsy and fumbling. Frustrations at my limitations. Doubting the whole decision to be pregnant. Fluctuations and re-adjustments. Heat exhaustion (holy dooly!). From working less to losing work. Inconvenient expensive bills. More weight gain. Back pain. Gentle yoga. Inner strength regained. Limits discovered. Pushing them, slightly. Energy lifted. Stronger workouts. More swimming. Morning walks. Walking slower. Breathing. Working even less. Meditating more. Less stress. Budgeted ahead. Spend less. Relax. Not feeling quite myself, but feeling okay.
That was my experience until now.
Like I said, I learnt a lot about myself and, looking back, I’m okay with the process. I’m not stressed about the money I lost and the money I will lose. I’m patient with myself. I have to scale everything down to suit my fragile body.
“It’s not laziness,” I tell myself, “to workout every few days instead of everyday; to let myself eat more than I probably need; to not create something or work toward something; to stay home because I have no soul to go out.”
It’s not laziness to do less in order focus on doing one single thing well… and it’s not laziness to rest.me to myself
On top of the self discouragement, there is sooooooo much influence of what it’s like to be pregnant; to go through labour; to look after children. Especially social media influence! Lots of people over-dramatise it all as if it’s hell’s nightmare! I’ve had to comfort myself by demanding that I make this experience my own, to take what comes and trust that I will only be given what I can handle.
You know, I hope it is the hardest thing I ever do in my life. I want to grow and be more disciplined. And at the same time, I want to enjoy the abundance of love and fulfilment that comes with it.
Tasting the Essence of the Toasty Caramel Coated Bun
There’s probably going to be a lot of sleepless nights from here on out because of the excitement that riddles my bones! I’m ready and am hanging out in limbo awaiting her surprise arrival… I never thought I’d feel this way about having a child. I never understood the whole concept and also wanted nothing to do with it. I guess everything is a life experience and it’s good to do the things you assuredly tell yourself you’re NEVER going to do.
How do you think this whole thing for me began?
Late at night, in the driveway, after a day out with who I didn’t realise would become the love of my life, we spoke about the niggling feelings we were sensing for each other. Me at 18, him at 49, I so assuredly said,
“Never never never never never never. The whole thing is strange and unlikely to work,”
and he said,
“Never say never.”