Do you ever reflect on your life and think, how the f* did I end up here?
Hopefully you have in a good way, I wouldn’t want you to be in discontentment or denial…
I guess this poem is the reflection of ‘if the crazy sh* that happened, never did.’
From rags to enrichment. No regrets. Life is awesome.
Just a heads up: if you can’t view the film here, go to my YouTube.
Lyrics
If everything had gone as normal,
To start, I’d still be with my ex— working and existing for a life of the unfulfilling ordinary.
If everything had gone as normal,
I would have taken the full-time offer and saved up to pay out a diploma. I’d get my life on track— but there’s no fun in that…
If everything had gone as normal,
I wouldn’t have spontaneously left a stagnant relationship.
I wouldn’t have chosen to work less to make time to write poetry and breathe in more life.
I wouldn’t have dated a middle-aged man and let him get me pregnant.
I would have never travelled to Fiji and improved the judgemental, one-sided parts of me.
I would have never ditched my limiting comfort levels, wore heels and dressed in my innate feminine elegance. And if not for that, I would have never engaged to that spirit-bearing, middle-aged man.
I would have never shared myself with love— so, so, so, so important I can’t stress that enough. To feel love at a capacity you couldn’t give to yourself— a tender, healing force like a hug from the mother you miss, or the best friend you thought you’d lost.
How fucking beautiful is it when life doesn’t go as normal. Oh the meaningful experiences, the deep love, the reason you wake up only half-drunk. Oh the wild soul that soars circles around you getting nourishment. It’s like you’re made of iron and nickel— a core with a gravitational force— and nothing in life acts fickle.
If everything had gone as normal,
I’d still be fighting with my ex, verbally abusing myself, writing melancholic poetry and overthinking the purpose of this crumbly Earth turning at a sloth-pace and how it doesn’t eventually disperse and disintegrate like us solid humans do sometimes.
I’m so fucking lucky nothing in my life goes as normal,
I get to live the Godly reason our Earth turns;
I get to see the light of hope during every blooming dawn.
Despite the ‘rules’ or expectations of my parents and strangers, and of that boss who offered me a full-time job, I live my own way,
I live with deep breaths of air in my lungs, I pounce seemingly thoughtlessly on things when instinctually, it feels right.
It always works out, and I always find myself staring into space, smirking,
A life lived ‘correctly’ is one lived out of tune with the self’s messiness.
And I can’t wait to see what my baby girl grows into, from my seemingly thoughtless decisions.
Behind The Lyrics
I believe I make a lot of seemingly vacuous decisions, sometimes I catch myself mid-decision and actually stop to think about it for a second. Just a second: long enough to acknowledge that I’m putting too much faith, again, into my instincts.
My life now is so bizarre and obscure that I get taken aback sometimes. During moments of bliss of ultimate fulfilment, I can’t help but be grateful that that is the outcome from my strange choices.
Each to their own with their life choices. If simple or ‘usual’ works for you and you’re content, fantabulous. The goal of existence is to be happy (oh, and I guess to thrive as a species). Obscure or ‘abnormal’ works for me.
Share a bit of your journey and crazy decision-making below!
Credits
Music by https://freetousemusic.com — ‘Careful’ by Pufino
Poetry reading, lyrics and footage by me 🙂 ft. my beloved partner
All content of the video, by myself and other party, is copyrighted material. (Read more about my copyright here, or about Free To Use Music’s copyright here.
-hippie t.
